When You Forget How To Read

Remember when I said that my last post was the last one of the semester? Well apparently I can't read, so THIS is officially the last one (insert cry laughing face here).

So let's pretend that I took a survey of every person at BYU who is single, and I asked them what their #1 problem/stress was (not including school duh). I might be biased, but I think that most of them would say dating. BECAUSE IT IS SO HARD. If you are an anxiety driven person like me, you understand what I mean when I say that I am literally trying to decide if I want to date a person after our first encounter. I'm all, "Does he love the Lord? Is he good with children? I think I should be able to tell by the look in his eyes. Does he love his mom? Does he hate ice cream? Because if so we're over even though WE HAVE NOT BEGUN." I am fully aware of my insanity, thanks. I'm working on it.

But in all seriousness, my constant prayer to Heavenly Father is to guide me in all types of relationships. Friends, family, and dating relationships too. Today as I was studying, I found this scripture:

"For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own; justice continueth its course and claimeth its own; judgment goeth before the face of him who sitteth upon the throne and governeth and executeth all things." 
-D&C 88:40

We are supposed to become the best that we can, and in turn, we'll find those people who are supposed to be in our lives. We will find those with the same values who appreciate who we are. When we are following the Lord and doing His will, He will guide us. We don't need to stress or worry about things that we can't control.

Something that my Book of Mormon professor told us was that we are constantly asking God to tell us what to do, aka, we are asking Him to take away that agency that we fought for in the first place. Of course there are times when we need specific answers, but I've found more often than not, the answers to my prayers are, "Well what do you think?" or "How do you want me to help you with that?" (See Ether 2:23) God gave us agency and intelligence for a reason. If we are praying for guidance and making the best decisions we can, I know that the Lord is proud of us. I know that He will always help us with whatever we need. We just need to trust His judgement, and we for sure need to trust our judgement more often as well.

Whose on the Lord's Side?

It is crazy how quickly this semester has gone. This is my last blog post for my Book of Mormon class!

I want to talk about something that I learned in church today. It is about putting away everything that isn't from God.

"Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually."
-Moroni 7:12

The world just keeps becoming worse and worse. I sometimes find it hard not to get drawn into things that aren't very wholesome. I sometimes let my music slip up a little bit, or I'll watch something that isn't "all the way bad" but has some suggestive stuff. Today in church, I was reminded that I need to be doing those things that bring me closer to Christ. Lately, I have been tempted to let my media slip up, but I think it is important to remember what this scripture says. It says that anything that isn't from God is from the devil. You can't just sit on the fence. If it isn't uplifting, we don't need it.

In the scriptures (somewhere. Not sure where sadly.) it says that we need to forsake sin. To forsake is to forget, abandon, and stay away from. I don't want to be toying with sin, I want to be on the opposite side of the fence, close to Christ and able to feel His Spirit.

But know, my child.

Well hi. I was trying to figure out what to write about today and it was hard. I don't feel like I've been feeling the Spirit a lot lately, so I was like, sweet, how am I going to write this? As I was thinking about my lack of spirituality the past little while, a bell went off in my head and I realized that I can fix this! I have the blessing to have the Spirit as a constant companion, so there must be something in my life that I need to line back up with the Lord's will so I can feel the Holy Ghost more clearly.

Disclaimer: I know I always talk about trials, but this stage in my life is throwing me for a loop, and I need to keep learning how to get through these special times. ;)

If you know me, then you know I'm always stressed. I mostly stress about things that I can't control and that don't really matter and it's great. Today I was stressed after school. I wanted to talk to my Father in Heaven to ask Him what was going on. I don't even remember what I said, but I was just praying and walking, asking what I was supposed to do. As I wrote this post, I received my answer.

I've been struggling with school and life these past couple weeks and I keep wondering "why?" Why are all of these things happening to me and why do I feel so much anxiety when I'm just trying my best?

"7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee.
8 In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer...
10 For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee."
3 Nephi 22: 7-10

Sometimes it feels like the Lord has forsaken us. This is how I felt at times during my mission. I wondered why that Lord was letting me feel so much pain. I felt so lost then, and these past couple weeks I have felt similarly. It's like I've just been floating around, stuck inside my head, with no direction. It's been hard. But as I read these verses, I remembered one of my favorite songs that goes right along with them. The song is called "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee".

Read the lyrics while you listen:

For a little while hath I forsaken thee

But with great mercies will I gather thee

In a little wrath I hid my face from thee For a moment. But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee, And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings, For the mountains shall depart, And the hills shall be removed, And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, But know, my child, My kindness shall not depart from thee! Though thine afflictions seem At times too great to bear, I know thine every thought and every care. And though the very jaws Of hell gape after thee I am with thee. And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee, And with healing will I take thee ‘neath my wings. Though the mountains shall depart, And the hills shall be removed, And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, Know, my child, My kindness shall not depart from thee! How long can rolling waters Remain impure? What pow'r shall stay the hand of God? The Son of Man hath descended below all things. Art thou greater than He? So hold on thy way, For I shall be with thee. And mine angels shall encircle thee. Doubt not what thou knowest, Fear not man, for he Cannot hurt thee. And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee, And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings. For the mountains shall depart, And the hills shall be removed, And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, But know, my child, My kindness shall not depart from thee!

Even though we can feel alone and that the Lord has forsaken us, He is always near.  He will gather us with everlasting kindness, and he will be with us through it all. The thing that matters is that we try even when it gets hard. Even though we aren't sure when the Lord will answer our prayers. Even when we feel like He isn't listening.

I will now quote some wise words from Avril Lavigne.
"Keep holding on, cuz you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through."

"For I will Lead you along"

Elder Uchtdorf's talk was SO good during the morning session of General Conference today! He talked about how we can't let fear rule our lives. Instead we need to have faith and trust in Christ.

I often live in fear of what the future will bring, but the words of Elder Uchtdorf brought me so much peace of mind. We can become so paralyzed by fear that we have a hard time recognizing the voice of the Spirit. Feelings of fear, hopelessness, and confusion are from Satan. We don't have to feel this way. Faith in the Lord brings peace, hope, and happiness. With the Lord on our side, we will always be ok. He will lead us along if we listen and are obedient to Him.

"And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."
D&C 78:18

We are in the hands of God

Sometimes it is really hard to trust in the Lord's plan for you. Life is hard and I sometimes wonder how the trials I go through are helping me. In 1 Nephi 17 verses 50-52 it says,

"And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things, I could do them...
And now, if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot instruct me, that I should build a ship?"

God is the most powerful being in the universe, yet He is still aware of you and all that you go through. Today in church, someone said something about how whatever happens in this life is for the best because we are in the hands of God. Knowing that, I think that we can all have a little more trust and a little more faith in our Lord.

Now listen to this song because it is powerful.

I am a poor wayfaring stranger

While traveling through this world of woe

Yet there's no sickness, toil or danger

In that bright world to which I go

I'm going there to see my father

I'm going there no more to roam

I'm only going over Jordan

I'm only going over home

I know dark clouds will gather around me

I know my way is rough and steep

Yet beauteous fields lie just before me

Where God's redeemed their vigils keep

I'm going there to my mother

She said she'd meet me when I come

I'm only going over Jordan

I'm only going over home

I don't think there is a way to express how I feel about this, so just let the song speak for itself. We will be taken care of because we are important to our Father in Heaven. Just keep trying and you will be ok. :)

"Seek ye for the kingdom of God"

"But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God." -Jacob 2:3

We've all seen that object lesson where you fill a jar by putting in ping pong balls first, followed by a smaller type of ball like marbles or something, followed by sand to fill the rest of the space. This week I had a goal to try and seek first the kingdom of God, and make sure I put the "ping pong balls" into my jar first instead of last. I wanted to make sure I was setting God as my priority. I honestly didn't do very well, so here is how I'm going to put it in perspective so I can try again next week.

We don't own our time, it was given to us. It's hard, as busy as we all are, to take time to remember what is most important. But I know that we're here on this earth for a greater purpose than to just finish our to do list each day. We're here to become more like Christ and build a stronger relationship with him. We're here to help others and bring light into the lives of those whose days are dark. We're here here to work, love, and learn. We have so much potential to do good. This next week, I am going put God first, give Him my time, and do what He would have me do.

You Matter

"22 Oh Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness... 23 And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels... 24 ...I will bring you up again out of the depth of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth." -Ether 2:22-24

While reading these verses, I was very impacted by how willing the Lord was to help the Brother of Jared. They needed light in their barges, but the Brother of Jared (Also why doesn't he have a real name??) didn't know how to go about it. The second that he asked the Lord for help, the Lord asked what the Brother of Jared needed Him to do. He then promised the Brother of Jared that he would take care of him and his people. The Lord reminds him that he controls the water and the wind and that he will keep them all safe.

It is so comforting to know that the Lord is in control. I also love a scripture from Exodus that my MTC companion, Hermana Sayer, would always talk about. It says, "10 And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since though hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. 11 And the Lord said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, of the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?"-Exodus 4:10-11

Hermana Sayer would talk about how when she was scared to teach or speak Spanish, she would read this verse and be reminded that she didn't need to worry. She would always joke that the Lord made our mouths so I'm pretty sure he can help us teach our fake MTC investigators ya know? ;)

Whenever we need help or we feel insignificant and forgotten, it helps us to remember who is in control. We matter to our Heavenly Father. No matter how small we feel in this world, we will always have someone who loves us. All we need to do is ask for the help of the Lord and He will be right there.

If you want to read a sweet talk about how God loves us by Elder Uchtdorf, I got you: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/you-matter-to-him?lang=eng

"My Grace is Sufficient..."

Ether 12:27 - "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I have a really big problem with perfectionism. I have been thinking in a certain way for so long that it's wired deep into my brain, and I have a habit of feeling like a "bad" person when I fall short of the unrealistic standards that I set for myself. If I wake up too late, if I don't read my scriptures for long enough, if I don't finish my homework or study for a test, if I don't exercise, etc., I feel so inadequate. I feel that falling short makes me a "bad" person. I've tried to think my way out of it, and sometimes I'm able to. But like I said, it's something that I feel deep down so I'm constantly working on it.

I didn't do my homework yesterday. I haven't read my scriptures as much as I wish I would have this week. I woke up late today and I'm feeling tired, anxious, and scared about what these next couple days are going to bring. Because of all of that, I'm having a hard time not feeling really bad about myself right now. This is why I chose this scripture to write about today.

It's ok that I fall short. It's ok that I don't do all that I plan to. I am human, therefore I am weak. And the Lord isn't mad at me for that. What He cares about is that I keep trying when I fail. This verse says that weakness makes us humble. Notice it doesn't say, "You are weak so you're a horrible person and you need to feel awful and shape up." We're shown our weakness so that we can work on it and become better. The grace of Jesus Christ is sufficient for everyone.

"Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." -Jeffrey R. Holland

We Got This

As I have been reading about Mormon, I've come to gain a lot of respect for him. The Nephites were so wicked, and they wouldn't repent. He couldn't really handle the wickedness anymore, so he told them that he wouldn't lead them anymore... But because he loved his people, he changed his mind.

"And it came to pass that I did go forth among the Nephites, and did repent of the oath which I had made that I would no more assist them; and they gave me command again of their armies."
 -Mormon 5:1

The reason that I think Mormon is so great is because he never gave up. All around him there was death and destruction. No one agreed with him and I imagine it was a very miserable time. Yet, he didn't complain. He just worked harder. He prayed, he preached, and he continued forward the best he could to lead the Nephites in battle.

I want to be like Mormon. I want to go forward without complaint and self pity. I want to continue on even when it's hard. Even if my circumstances aren't ideal, I'm going to keep trying the best that I know how and I'm going to keep relying on Christ. I CAN DO IT AND YOU CAN DO IT! (Am I Oprah now?)

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
-John Lennon

Happy

This week has been a really busy and hard week for me. I had 3 tests and a bunch of assignments and it was crazy. I wasn't doing well on my tests and I was feeling really bad about myself. I also realized that I wasn't reading my scriptures as well as I should have been because of my busyness. I think there is a correlation here if you catch my drift. I wasn't as close to Heavenly Father as I should have been and it made my week way harder. It was easier to feel to what Satan wanted me to feel than to have faith that everything would be ok and that I wasn't a "bad" person for not being great at school sometimes.

I read these scriptures in 4th Nephi:

"12 And they did not walk any more after the performances and ordinances of law of Moses; but they did walk after the commandments which they had received from their Lord and their God, continuing in fasting and prayer, and in meeting together oft both to pray and to hear the word of the Lord.

13 And it came to pass that there was no contention among all the people, in all the land; but there were mighty miracles wrought among the disciples of Jesus." -4 Nephi 1: 12-13

Remembering Christ and being obedient to Him help us feel more connected to Him and in sync with the Spirit. When I choose to read my scriptures and pray sincerely, I'm happier, I have a greater ability to help others, and I love myself more because I can feel the Savior's love for me.

I encourage everyone (the 2 people who read this aka my mom and dad) to ask the Savior how He feels about you, and always remember your infinite worth. We are children of God and it is our responsibility to take that seriously and be obedient to what God has asked us to do. I know that this brings true happiness, and I know that we can do anything through Christ.

Your Mom

"47 Now they never had fought yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of the mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it." Alma 56: 47-48

I was reading about the Stripling Warriors today and I learned 10039 things, one of them being that I most likely want to marry a Stripling Warrior.

I read an article that said that their ages ranged from about 13-20 years old... I can't even walk in the snow and they're just chillin over here beating up huge armies of strong men that are way older than them. It's fine.

The thing that I think is so cool is that one of the main reasons they were able to conquer these armies is because of the things they learned from their mothers. Their mothers taught them to be selfless, to serve, to have courage, faith, and trust. They taught their sons to be brave and never to fear because the Lord would deliver them. I imagine their mothers were so strong and kind. I imaging they taught their children by example and experiences. I know I'm not a mother yet, but when I am, I want to be like these women.

A really good example of someone who is like this is my GISELE! Aka my mom, therapist, best friend, and dance party/fake opera singing/eating all of the sugar in the house/everything partner. She teaches me by example. She is always trying to become better and learn from every experience she comes in contact with. She is service oriented and SO selfless. She knows who she is and doesn't compare herself to others. To top it all off she is the best baker I've ever met and she's slowly making me obese but I'm fine with it.

I'm so thankful for the good examples surrounding me and I'm thankful for the things I learn from the scriptures. I would suggest reading Alma 57 because it has officially changed my outlook on life. If the 15 year old Stripling Warriors can trust in the Lord, fight, and conquer their battles, we can do the same with the battles we face every day. I love the Lord and I love the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Consider the Lilies

This week I was reading in 3 Nephi and almost died because I realized that my favorite scripture from the New Testament IS ALSO IN THE BOOK OF MORMON. Literally what is going on?

3 Nephi 13:28

"And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin."

This scripture shows how much God loves his children. Whenever I feel anxiety, I pray. I pray for strength to go to class and strength to make it through the day. I pray for a greater capacity to learn when I feel unable to think. I pray when I'm stressed and when I feel inadequate and incapable to do the things that I want to. I know that He has heard every word, and this whole chapter was an answer to these prayers that I've been praying. I was reminded to be mindful and to just stop for a minute. I don't think the Lord wants us to be so stressed that we're unable to focus on what really matters. This simple idea brings me so much comfort. I feel like it's Jesus telling me to just stop for a minute. Look at the flowers and be still. Those lilies are very small creations, but God still takes care of them. And I don't need to worry because I will be taken care of as well. I was reminded to have faith in God's plan. He loves me no matter what and He knows I'm trying my best.

I think we would all be better off if we could just stop and consider the lilies every once and a while and remember God's love for us.

"One by One"

"And it came to pass that the multitude went forth, and thrust their hands into his side, and did feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet; and this they did do, going forth one by one until they had all gone forth, and did see with their eyes and did feel with their hands, and did know of a surety and did bear record, that it was he, of whom it was written by the prophets, that should come." - 3 Nephi 11:15

I love how it says that they came to Christ "one by one". I know that Jesus Christ cares about each one of us as individuals. He knows us and it's important for us to get to know him as well. 

I had a week filled with a lot of anxiety. I felt really bad about myself because I feel like there are certain things that I should be able to do, but sometimes my mind just gets the best of me! Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know me so well, and they put me into a family with a father who is caring and willing to listen. I told my dad what I was feeling, and he helped me out a lot. He and I have very similar ways of thinking and we related in a way that was really cool for me to see. He told me just what I needed to hear.

I am so thankful that our Father and Brother in Heaven care about the little details of our lives. I'm thankful that we never have to feel alone. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are just waiting for us to reach out to them and that they hear every prayer we pray.